woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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