Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
