strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
