I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
