she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
