We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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