dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
