I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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