I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
