I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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