I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
