I smell stomach acid.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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