look no pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
