Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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