i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
