Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
