my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
