someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
