I hate all girls vehemently.
Screwed.edu
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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