the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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