The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
