I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ketchup is God's man juice
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
