I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
