I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
