Four minutes until I can fart!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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