Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
