Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
