I accidentally burped into my bong.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
