Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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