Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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