I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
