apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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