dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
