My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
