I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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