Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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