She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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