This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
