College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
