I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
