I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
