My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
