It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
