I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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