With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
