my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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