Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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