Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
