I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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