can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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