I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
