you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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