i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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