Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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