the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
